It’s a school in a library, duh.
No, that’s not true. I’m lying to you. I’m a liar.
But now for a true story:
Almost exactly one year ago — June 15th, 2016, if we’re being exact — I applied to go to grad school.
I did it because I didn’t know what to do next.
It was scary. I had trouble breathing when I hit submit on that application.
Things went from exciting to depressing when The School called me to let me know that where I lived meant I couldn’t attend school with them online due to authorization issues. It’s a standard issue in distance education, which I only know about because of my work history in online education. But that’s another story…
With my dreams, and only escape route to a terrible situation, dashed, I ugly cried it out and then found a therapist to help me with all the things I could not control:
- My health.
- This situation I couldn’t seem to get out of (endless jobs applied for, school not an option anymore).
- My rapidly diminishing self esteem.
She helped. A lot. I really can’t explain how much she helped me. Just know that I will always be greatful for therapy — it kept me going in 2014 when I was diagnosed, and it kept me going well into this year.
Press fast forward and 2016 ended up being a pretty good year, all told. I bought a cute condo, moved in with my boyfriend, my work situation changed, and everything ended up working out over all. It had its struggles, there were tears, but it was a good year.
In February, The School called me back.
“Great news!” They said. “We can enroll you now! Would you like us to formally submit your application?”
Um, I’m sorry. What?
I’ve already had these feelings. I’ve already cried all this out. Work is better, my health is at least stagnant, life is better, I’m finally making decent money. So do I really want to do this? Do I really want my life to change?
After a week of thinking on it, I went with my initial gut instinct.
Fuck yes I want to do this.
This is the start of my last week of my first term in Library School. It hasn’t been easy. It’s completely changed my life — free time is harder to come by, I have to budget my mental lode, my time — but I don’t think this was a bad choice.
Who knows? I may look back years from now and regret everything I spent on this degree: money, time, emotions, and mental energy.
But right now it feels good to be putting effort in somewhere, to be stretching my mind into an area I’m unfamiliar with and challenged by.
This feels good right now.
And I’m still not done with my final massive project.
So… I’m gonna go do that.